Walking tall....

For a long time in my life... I walked the path of life very much alone. No one quiet understood me. No one quiet knew what it was like to live my life. Everyday was a scary event, I never knew what was gonna happen, and it scared the hell out of me. Growing up was very scary. I often would spend the night awake in fear of what was to come the following day at school or in life, and never get but a few minutes of sleep.

Everyday something new happaned. For me... being the geeky kid at school, I was picked on, laughed at, talked about behind my back, called names, picked last in gym, I was scared to be myself and scared to go to school. Generally I didn't want to go to school... Because of these fears... I developed a disorder known as Irritable Bowl Syndrome... Meaning when I get nervous... I get sick to my stomach.

I spent much of my 7th,8th and 9th grade years dealing with this problem, which really no one at my school understood, and made things even worse! Imagine having someone stabbing you in your stomach over and over again for an hour, that is what I felt like everyday of my life from about the 7th-9th grade. Granted I was able to deal with it much better when I got older and in to high school and now... It's only a minor problem, because I can deal with it, but back then... it made my life horrible!

I have learned how to control that part of my life fairly well, and when I got to be a Junior and Senior in High School... I really started to not care about what others thought about me. I tried to be myself and not fit in. I tried to forget about all the drama that really is high school and just focus on what is important, family and good friends. When I tried to speak my mind, I was shot down, or frowned upon by my peers and teachers. When I tried to hold back... I caused my emotions to get bottled up and cause my IBS to kick back in... Finally I just said fuck it and let it all out.

If it wasn't for my family and mostly my sister's strength... I never would have gotten through those ruff times. I found a way to deal with my problems and I was able to walk through them with my head held high. Recently... in College... I've become very involved with someone I really care about. Someone who makes me forget about everything that makes me nervous. Someone who I can hold for hours and not say anything. I swear I stare into her eyes and everything around me just disappears. My mind is blank...and I just smile at her. She reminds me of my sister in so many ways it's not even funny. Her strength is my strength. She makes me walk with my head held high. For the first time in a long time... I'm not talking alone. I'm walking tall...