To Lindsay...

February 22nd, 2005. I meet you. In the computer lab of all places. Go figure huh. It was a dream come true. We had so much in common I really did feel like I was in a dream. We joked that this was a dream we both didn’t want to wake up from. I still don’t want to wake up. Meeting you created a spark in my life that made me want to get up early and stay up late to talk with you. I made a 360 in my life. I started to think about what was really important to me. My fears and worries went away. I started to think with my heart and not my brain for the first time. I was truly happy. For the first time in my life I cared about someone else. I wanted to be with you every waking moment. I couldn't stop thinking about you.

When shit hit the fan I didn't know how to react. All my heart wanted was to be there to support you but I got emotional and I think I hurt you. I was scared. Distance and space, which used to be the norm for me, was suddenly so scary. I couldn't think of anything but wanting to be around you. I'm so "virgin" in relationships, I don't think I knew that I should have given you more space than I was giving you when we first said "slowing things down". I just didn't know what it meant to slow down. I know this now more than ever. Remember it took me almost 3 weeks to work up enough courage to kiss you. I was really new to all of it and I think I was still caught up in the “dream” aspect that when the slowing down came, I wasn’t quiet sure what was to happen next.

All I ever wanted was for you to be happy. I concentrated on that so much I forgot about how bad I was hurting inside. In your attempts to place space between us I kept finding myself waiting for you to call, get online, show up at school or reply to a text message. I guess I really was smothering you. When I finally got the verbal kick in the nuts, I took a step back. My sister and parents kept me as focused as they could. I think faith played a huge part in that to. God knows how much I care about you Lindsay. All I've prayed about for the past month is for you to be happy and continue on with your life the way you want it. For me to somehow find the strength to manage through this and continue with my life. I think I have managed the worst of it.

I'm still scared and unsure of the future. I don't know what you feel about me anymore or what you want me to do. All I know is what’s inside me. I care so much about you. And I know now more than ever I still want to be with you and for us to be together. Now with all this out in the clear. I’ve been trying my best the past week or so to give you even more space. I’ve shown up for class only when I need to be. I don’t hang around the school. I don’t call or expect any calls. I don’t text message or expect any… I’m not going to e-mail you or go out of my way to try to be around you. I’ll let you have your space and time. I’m trying my best to keep this all in a positive light. All week I kept telling myself that with faith, friends and family, how can I fail? I’m going to wait for you Lindsay. And I'm going to be here when your ready.

I’m trying so hard to keep from wanting to be with you right now Lindsay. I’ve been telling you from the start, I’m here. I really am. I’m here for you Lindsay. All my heart is here for you. Every ounce of strength I have is yours. I just want you to know I’m going to be here for you. If you are not ready…I’ll be okay. Like I said… how can I fail with faith, friends and family? You asked for time and space and you’re going to get it. If we don’t talk for a week, don’t think I’m avoiding you. You are in my heart every waking moment. I’ll never forget you. I can only hope you don’t forget me. From the moment I first meet you I knew there was something here. I can still feel it. It’s strange for me to say these things when I really don’t know what a real relationship is like. But I can feel something. My parents, sister, friends all said they saw something in the way I acted before things went down hill. They were happy to see me spreading my wings. I was changed. I am changed. For the better. Regardless of the results Lindsay. I’m a better person now. And I’m a better person because of you. For that, I thank you. Now just remember I’m here and waiting. I care so much about you and God will continue to hear from me every night. Goodnight. All my heart, sunshine. You’re in my thoughts always. TTYL :-)