I'm here.

I'm here for you.
I'm not going anywhere.
I'm gonna wait untill everything is okay.
I'm gonna help support you.
I'm gonna hold you.
I'm gonna be your strength.
I'm gonna be there to comfort you.
Talk with you.
Make you laugh.
Smile.
Feel okay.
I'm here.
I'm not going anywhere, and I can and WILL wait.

I'm here for you... Always.

Looking in the mirror...

I looked in the mirror this morning, and what looked back wasn’t me...

I woke up very early this morning, did my normal wake up ritual. I called work to see if they needed me, they did, so I got dressed and made the bed. I went down stairs, checked the weather and drove to Burger King for breakfast. I ended up eating like 3 bites of a Sausage Biscuit and a few hash browns. My appetite has been gone the past week. Then for the next 4 hours at work, I shoveled debris from the flood. 4 hours of thinking shit from the past week over in my mind. 4 hours of just me and the golf course…. and the damn mud.

It wasn't a terrible day weatherwise, so thankfully that helped. Thankfully, the time was passed fairly quickly. Even thinking things over, I still was able to smile about some things. Not everything in life sucks. I’ve got a loving family. A warm house. Some cool friends. 6 of the 7 DVD Boxed sets of Star Trek: Voyager (Try Canceling me Paramount…)! Hell I’ve got 1 very nice gaming PC and a laptop! Can’t beat that. I had time to take in what I had done in life… and what I wanted to do. My goals. My dreams. My fears. Myself. I was able to look through the fog that has clouded my life the past week and finally see the real me.

I was able to finally feel like myself again this afternoon. I decided it was best to keep my mind busy, rather than to dwell on events of the past week. I was able to clean my… already clean room today. I finished dusting off all the shelves and reorganize half the room. I even offered to sweap the house with the vaccum? Wow… I’ve never done that before. While I cleaned I watched some Voyager episodes… some that kinda hit close to home. I never knew how powerful those shows could be if you took in the basic meaning of the episode and removed all the scifi mumbo jumbo.

I tried on my new “church” outfit, which I had bought a few days ago. Looks very good I might add. Mom thinks I’m a stud… and said if she was 18… she might be chasing after me. Look out ladies… Not only was I cleaning the room, watching Voyager and trying on the new church outfit. I managed to find some time to lift weights, do some push ups, sit ups, and work out for a good hour today. It helped to clear my mind. Hell… I’ve given up drinking pop in the evenings. I’m a full time Milk whore… plus it helps you sleep.

In the end… tonight… when I was looking at myself in the mirror with my new church outfit. I finally saw me again. The me I remember from 4 weeks ago. The me that makes me smile. The me that wants to sleep in and stay up late playing video games or watching TV. I feel I’m on the path back to feeling better. It’s just going to take some more distractions and more days like today to keep the mind busy. Besides…I’ve got like… a shit load more Voyager episodes to watch! Looking in the mirror… I can see myself looking back. The me I’m proud of.

Waiting...

I'm waiting for something... I don't know what it is. I don't know when it will come. I just want it to happen. I'm slowing down and I can't feel anything and can't find myself. I just am waiting... So I wrote this...

WAITING

No clock.
No calender.
No plan.
No destination.
No time to tell me when.

I'm just waiting.
Waiting for the time to be right.
Right again...

No map.
No assistance.
No past.
No future.
No pause to help me in.

I'm just waiting.
Waiting for the time to be right.
Right again...

Time was right.
Now it's wrong.
Waiting untill it lasts.
I don't want to fight.
Just want time to pass.

There is only waiting.
No break lights.
No heart break.
No phone call.
No sweet words.
Only waiting..
Waiting for you.

I'm just waiting.
Waiting for time to be right.
Right again.
I'm just waiting for you.

Sunny skies...

Mmm! I'm finally getting to visit with my sister tonight! After a fairly rainy weekend, I walked outside today and took in the fresh air. The sun was shining, things were great. My life hit some bumps in the road a few days ago... but after really thinking hard on the subject and clearing my mind things are okay. My life changed recently, all good changes, and I guess I hadn't had time to really think about all the good that has happaned in the past month. It just took me a while to realize it. Even in the darkest of hours... the sun was still out.

I've got about 2 hours untill I'm heading home and getting to spend the next 24 hours with my sister. I'll be going out to dinner with her and my parents and then heading to Athens to stay the night. I'm happy to be getting out of the house... away from all the distractions of work, family, friends, the daily grind. It will be good to get some of these things off my mind and finally just do something fun that I haven't done in a long time. Visit with my sister. It should be fun!

I've thought a lot about things the past 48 hours. I've gone through a lot in life... I've looked back at things in my life that make me cry... and I've thought about things I've done... that make me so happy... I break out in smile! Generally... I looked at my life as being boring. But regardless of what I thought a week or so ago... this has changed now. My life could be FAR worse. I've got a loving family. Friends. A great job. I've got my faith. I've got everything I could ask for. I'm very lucky.

For those people who arn't as lucky... I really can't say anything to them. Life really sucks sometimes. Even in the worst times in life... when things don't look like they could ever get any better. They will. It happens. I know this all to well. You have to take stock in what you have. What you care about. What you believe in. Those things.... keep me happy. If I didn't believe I had people who care about me. If I didn't believe I had something to believe in. I don't know how I would feel about my life. All I know is I do have these things. You can have them 2. Even if things look hopeless... and your feeling like you just wanna end. You need to look at the sun. It's still shining. It's still out. It's always gonna be there... even if it's a cloudy day... The sun is always there. Just have to let the clouds pass and the rain stop falling. Trust me... Now someone get me some sun block!

'Rain' (Breaking Benjamin)

Take a photograph,

It'll be the last,

Not a dollar or a crowd could ever keep me here.

I don't have a past

I just have a chance,

Not a family or honest plea remains to say.

Rain rain go away,

Come again another day,

All the world is waiting for the sun.

Is it you I want,

Or just the notion

Of a heart to wrap around so I can find my way around.

Safe to say from here,

Your getting closer now,

We are never sad cause we are not allowed to be.

Rain rain go away,

Come again another day,

All the world is waiting for the sun.

Rain rain go away,

Come again another day,

All the world is waiting for the sun.

To lie here under you,

Is all that I could ever do,

To lie here under you is all,

To lie here under you is all that i could ever do,

To lie here under you is all.

Rain rain go away,

Come again another day,

All the world is waiting for the sun.

Rain rain go away,

Come again another day,

All the world is waiting for the sun,

All the world is waiting for the sun,

All the world is waiting for the sun.

Filling the void...

If you have ever been away from someone you loved or cared about for a long period of time, then you know what I'm talking about here. I feel like i'm missing something, I don't feel like me. I have this empty void where Lindsay used to be... and even though she's only been gone for a few hours... the thought of spending the weekend away from her expands this void and fills me with this feeling of emptyness. Feelings I've had before and don't want to experience again.

Not only am I feeling this feeling of emptyness, but today I found out a few things. How much I wish I had known her earlier in our lives. How much I wish I could have been there in times she needed someones shoulder to cry on, someone to hold her, someone to help her through the tuff times in life. Life can really be cruel, and can really be depressing. Even in the darkest times... things always get better. Even I can find myself in helpless situations where it looks like things will never get better.

I lost faith in god once... In a time of great need in my life, I had lost someone very close to me. The moment stills hangs over me everytime I see his picture on my mirror, I cry. I miss my grandpa so much... His last words to me were "I love you." For almost 2 years after his death I didn't trust my faith... I lost someone so close to me, and I asked god for help, and I didn't get any. Things only got worse. My Grandma caught cancer again... My other grandma passed away a year later. My IBS was at an all time high... and TBH... my life was boring. I had no true friends... no one that understood me. Needless to say I lost faith for a while. Long story short... I found faith again.

This void I'm feeling now... reminds me of those times. But that voided filled, I know this to will pass and in a few short days... I'll see her, and this feeling will end. I feel an attachment towards someone that I never thought I could feel. It gives meaning to waking up everyday, and going to sleep early. Today I just wanted to hold her. To let he know I loved her and was there for her through hard times. Something I wish I had when my life was in ruins a few years ago. Faith was broken but restored. Life hits a bump in the road from time to time... but in the end it will smooth out. All I WANT is her to hold me and I'll hold her back, NOTHING else. I can only hope I'm filling her void... as she has filled mine.

Deep Eyes...

When was the last time you looked the person you loved in the eyes and could tell she/he felt the same about you? Or cared so much about you that she/he was almost speechless? I can't put to words how I feel about her, but I know I can express it. Tonight was perfect in this regard, I didn't have to tell her I loved her over and over. I could tell she knew... just by looking at her. I could tell she felt the same way just by how she acted how she looked at me.

It sents chills up my spine when I think of the past few weeks. When your not looking for something, not expecting something like this to happen, you can really feel alive. When life makes a U-Turn and heads in the other direction, you can look back at the time before the huge change in your life and see how different your life is. I can feel it now, my life has changed so much. All for the best. I feel alive.

I know this because I can tell things have changed in her life too. I can tell just by holding her... just by looking at her... just by being around her. Things are better now, for the both of us. This change has affected me in more ways than one. I couldn't even put to words how I felt about her at this moment or tell someone how much I love her and cared about her.

Being away from her for more than a few hours has me shaking, has me awake at night, has me worried I'll never see her again. Has me stairing at the stars when I get home from her house late at night, wishing I was someplace else. Has me dreaming about growing old with her and has me dreaming of falling asleep with her in my arms. Has me just thinking about her.

When I look in her eyes, I can tell for the first time she feels the same way. Those eyes looking back... Showing and telling me how she feels without speaking. It's like looking into the ocean... never able to see the bottom, never able to know how deep the water goes. Knowing the feelings I have for her go so deep....that I'll never be able to break them. That the love will always be there, regardless of what happens, or how far away we are. Regardless of the distance, the changes, being asleep, being alone, or dying. I'll always love her, and will always be loved. Just looking in to her eyes... can tell and show how deep the love goes.

The Biggest Decision

The biggest decisions you make in life are always the ones that come with a price. These are the decisions that will affect your life and can not be changed or forgotten easily. Things that will change a person for the better or for the worst. Events in life will come upon you so fast or unexpected that it's almost hard to judge what is the right decision. Many times your left with a sour taste in your mouth after such a event. Or other times your lucky you made the right call and everything in your life is great.

I recently had such a decision happen in my life. I'm happy with the results, but unsure of the future. When it happaned, I just went with what my heart told me, what my heart wanted. There was no time to think, no time to drag the decision through the coals. It was something I'm not used to either. Normally the mind controls me, fear, nervousness, dread, worry control what I do, and how I act. These things control what decisions I make 99% of the time. Yet for the first time in my life... the heart spoke louder. I said yes to what it wanted.

The past 3 weeks have been unreal. I can't remember the last time I wanted to show up early for school, stay 3 hours late, or disobey my parents just to be with someone I care about. I made a decision to see where this relationship would go, and to go with the flow of things. This was all so new to me that I worry about making a wrong decision along the road. Something that will ruin what we have now. I know there are bound to be bumps in the road, and problems that we will have to face, and I know somehow we will manage to get past it.

I know the decision I made was from the heart... and I know I love her. I just hope my heart continues to stay strong and to make the right decisions for me. I fight this fear everyday of not making the wrong decision, or screwing up, or embaressing myself. I just know that someday it will happen, and that together we will get through it. God I love her... Don't let this end now. Don't let me wake up from this dream. Don't let me find out this is wrong or to fast. Let my heart make the decisions for me. The biggest decisions...

The Protective Shield...

In Star Trek, they have forcefields and shields to protect the ship or shuttlecraft from harm or danger. In real life, I've got parents, family and friends. When the forcefields of shields aren't working, the ship gets damaged or destroyed. In real life, when the parents, family or friends are not around, I get hurt, or make a mistake. But for me... when my parents are around... I seam to get stuck. They hold on... latch tight... and don't let go. They don't let me grow up.

For a long time, I've lived in this protected box. Created mostly by my own fear of new things, but on the other hand... my parents have surrounded me, and protected me. Granted for the longest time I didn't think anything of it... there my parents, they know best. I'm just there young little boy, not yet ready for the real world. I didn't see it untill recently, but they don't think I can live on my own. They don't think I can become who they want me to be. They don't think I can make my own decisions or think on my own. Well they are wrong.

For the first time in my life... I found someone... someone I care more about than anything in the world. Someone I can hold for hours upon end and not say one word to. I can look in her eyes and see the same love and affection I feel for her looking back at me. I would never do anything to fuck up our relationship, or do anything stupid. I know right from wrong... and I know my limits. And for some reason... my parents think it's uncalled for us to be alone together.

They don't understand me, and they don't trust my judgement. I know there is a minor age limit with me and Lindsay... but come on... I'm 20... I can think for myself. Someday... I'm gonna HAVE to move out someday. There not gonna be able to hold my hand forever. Untill that day... when I finally do move out, I'll be living under this shadow. Living with this fear, but I know that I'll be loved by someone that doesn't care. And that someone is so special to me. I can only wait untill that day comes... even if it scares me a little to finally be alone... and on my own. I'll always have her... in my heart... And that will be my new shield... my new protection.... and you know... she already is. Shields up!

Heaven...

BEST DAY OF MY LIFE

I just visited Heaven... and damn... it's awesome! :)

I was so nervous, I couldn't even sit still twenty minutes before I left to Lindsays house this afternoon. I just couldn't get some of the stupid things that you think about when your about to go meet someone's parents for the first time out of my mind. I swear if I could turn my brain off I would have.

However... I survived, and I was suddenly so calm... I felt like I had lived at her house! Never before have I ever felt like that in some strange location before. Hell I don't even feel comfortable in my own house sometimes... I think it really helped that her parents were actually very cool! Her mom is an amazing cook, a woman after my own stomach if I do say so... Her dad is very funny, and quick witted, which is a huge plus for me, because he reminds me a lot of my dad. It really helped that I was able to feel at home there in her house with her family so quickly. Besides... I'm so calm around her... that things stop spinning out of control, and slow down.

I could have fallen asleep with her in my arms today... We had so much fun, that I wanted to freeze that moment in time and just live in it. I was in heaven today... and I didn't want to leave. I don't even recall what Star Trek episodes we watched... other than one... "Message in a Bottle"! Go figure... a Star Trek Episode of all things! :) I never knew watching Mulan could be that fun either.

Today was by far the best day of my life, and certainly one I'll never forget. It was a day of firsts! All good things! A day I will think about often... and a day that when i'm older... I'll look back upon and say... I remember March 12th, 2005. Its a day I certainly hope she enjoyed and will not forget either. I just hope we have many more of those to come. Finally I feel competely free of fear and nerves. I visited heaven and didn't die. Who can say they did that! :) I love you Lindsay!

Premium Blend...

I can't count the number of times in the past 16 days I've found myself dreaming of being elsewhere... or not being able to think straight. I have found something that consumes more of my time than anything else has before. I'm unable to think about another topic for more than a few minutes without drifting back towards it... It's crazy! The days have begun to blend together...

17 days ago... My life was really different. I was constantly on the run, wanting to get the day over with... like I was trying to speed up my life and get it over with. It was boring! I just wanted to be finished and go to sleep... Now I can't stay awake long enough... I was doing pretty much the same thing everyday... that I just didn't have any motivation to create something new in my life... and I never did.

My days were blending together... that I couldn't even tell you what I did 3 weeks ago... Untill that evening at school. Everything changed. Everything is so vivid and alive now. I was looking at myself in a mirror today while I was getting my hair cut, and I could tell something changed just looking at my reflection. Something in the way I see myself now. Something is different. I can't quiet spot it... and no it wasn't that my hair was suddenly shorter...

-Retarted Joke
A friend walks up to me and says "Hey guess what's different about me?"
The friend replied, "You got your hair cut!"
He pipes back, "No... I got my HAIRS cut..."
-End Retard Joke

I don't know if you can tell when a huge change has happened in someone's life. But I know something changed in me... For the better I hope... When anything has effected such a dramatic change in my views, I know there is something happening. Something thats got me wide awake....

No longer do I want the day to be over with... No longer do I want to sleep... or have the day just end. I long to stay up and talk to her or just hold her in my arms. I long to see her... I just want to have the moment frozen in time and never end! I don't see the days blending together anymore. I see them all so clearly. And I can't wait untill tomorrow... Blend me baby! :)

Walking tall....

For a long time in my life... I walked the path of life very much alone. No one quiet understood me. No one quiet knew what it was like to live my life. Everyday was a scary event, I never knew what was gonna happen, and it scared the hell out of me. Growing up was very scary. I often would spend the night awake in fear of what was to come the following day at school or in life, and never get but a few minutes of sleep.

Everyday something new happaned. For me... being the geeky kid at school, I was picked on, laughed at, talked about behind my back, called names, picked last in gym, I was scared to be myself and scared to go to school. Generally I didn't want to go to school... Because of these fears... I developed a disorder known as Irritable Bowl Syndrome... Meaning when I get nervous... I get sick to my stomach.

I spent much of my 7th,8th and 9th grade years dealing with this problem, which really no one at my school understood, and made things even worse! Imagine having someone stabbing you in your stomach over and over again for an hour, that is what I felt like everyday of my life from about the 7th-9th grade. Granted I was able to deal with it much better when I got older and in to high school and now... It's only a minor problem, because I can deal with it, but back then... it made my life horrible!

I have learned how to control that part of my life fairly well, and when I got to be a Junior and Senior in High School... I really started to not care about what others thought about me. I tried to be myself and not fit in. I tried to forget about all the drama that really is high school and just focus on what is important, family and good friends. When I tried to speak my mind, I was shot down, or frowned upon by my peers and teachers. When I tried to hold back... I caused my emotions to get bottled up and cause my IBS to kick back in... Finally I just said fuck it and let it all out.

If it wasn't for my family and mostly my sister's strength... I never would have gotten through those ruff times. I found a way to deal with my problems and I was able to walk through them with my head held high. Recently... in College... I've become very involved with someone I really care about. Someone who makes me forget about everything that makes me nervous. Someone who I can hold for hours and not say anything. I swear I stare into her eyes and everything around me just disappears. My mind is blank...and I just smile at her. She reminds me of my sister in so many ways it's not even funny. Her strength is my strength. She makes me walk with my head held high. For the first time in a long time... I'm not talking alone. I'm walking tall...

The Perfect Weekend!

I recently wrote a nice lengthy post on how I wanted time to speed up, and get me to Friday a little bit faster? Countdown untill Friday... well Friday finally showed up, and I didn't want it to end. Infact I think I talked time in to speeding up so fast, that Friday went away way to fast!

Normally, I don't miss a Friday Night TV session with the family, way to many good TV shows on Friday Nights, but for the first time in a long time, I wanted to be with someone else. I had such a great time with my friends and Lindsay on Friday, that I didn't want it to end. By the end of the night, when it was time to clean up, I was having such a great time, I could have sayed there for a million years and never moved!

Then of course there was the longest drive home I've ever had. It was the normal 20 minute drive, through the quiet downtown of Chillicothe, in the cold, misty rain. It was as if time was trying to let me know something. My mind was filled with thoughts of peace, happyness, love, joy, friends, family, and the one thing thats been on my mind for the past 2 weeks. Lindsay. All I wanted to do was get hoome again and talk with her. Of course... Saturday was the next big thing! The best part of the weekend was about to happen a few short hours later. It snowed!

I woke up at 9 AM like I always do every Saturday, and looked outside and saw the Snow. Snow all over the ground! 2 inches of it! Which means I didn't have to work Saturday morning! Freeing up pretty much my weekend to anything! What better to do than hang out with someone I love for 12 hours! What turned out to be a "study session", ended up being a Star Trek: Voyager episode Marathon, a nice peaceful Dinner, 2 Movies(One scary, one sad) and 1 fun card game experience! It was the perfect afternoon and evening! Something you can only dream about, something that can only happen in the movies, happened. I enjoyed a weekend with someone I loved! It was priceless, and I wouldn't trade it for anything. It was one of the best weekends I've had in my life.

To makes things better, I got to spend this time with someone I can trust, someone who I can't stop thinking about, someone who I care about, someone who cares about me, someone I can be around and be myself, someone I can hold for hours and not say a word. And that is what makes this weekend great. Makes this weekend very memorable. I know there are many more weekends, ahead just like this one. Many more Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays filled with more unforgetable events. Filled with someone I love. Someone I could only dreamed about a few weeks ago, who is real, and there with me through times of need. Bring on the weekends! Start the countdown!

"I have a dream!"

"I have a dream!"
-Martin Luther King Jr.

Inspired by Martin Luther Kings famous words, I need to say this...

What is a dream?

dream:
- a series of mental images and emotions occurring during sleep; a cherished desire; imaginative thoughts indulged in while awake; a fantastic but vain hope. (From dice.net)


Well the words of Martin Luther King were so true, and so very close to home. I to have a dream. A dream as big as Mr. Kings? Maybe... but a dream that is my dream and my dream alone.

I have a dream of not walking alone. I have a dream of standing tall. I have a dream of being someone whom is strong, willing to stand up for what's right. I have a dream of being loved. I have a dream of being at peace. I have a dream of being respected. I have a dream of being responsible. I have many dreams... but above all else. I have one dream....

A dream to see the world change, to see what really matters in life, and to charish it. To see what is really important in your life. To see through the cloudy mess the media and popular culture has placed upon the youth of america. To see the true self and respect it. Today's youth is so clouded by what they see on TV, movies, popular culture. Little girls as young as 8-9 want to have large breats because many famous movie stars tend to show them off a little to much. (Not that I'm complaining!) Many people think that all the flashy things are what's really important, but it's not.

My dream is to see this problem solved in America's youth. The problem with many younger people nowadays is they are so easly pursuaded to one thing or another. To the latest fad or another popular item. Not many of the current younger generation take a long good look at what they have, or what's really important in life. It's my dream to see this change in the world. It's my dream to see everyone change for the better.

However I know this is not gonna be changed by one voice. I can dream or I can act, and I started acting years ago. Standing up for what is right, doing what I want, and being who I am. I am an example for what I believe in, and what I stand for. I believe Martin Luther King would want to see us fighting to do what is right, and to see everyone regain the respect for what's important, and drop all the loose baggage. I have a dream... perhaps you have one 2. Become an example for what you stand for, and stand up and act. What will you act upon....

Fighting the good fight...

Any fight that's worth fighting, must be important. Conflicts over territory, conflicts over differences of opinions, conflicts over race, gender, sex, religion, conflicts over anything are always fought for a variety of reasons. However... the hardest fights of all, are the ones between self... and self. More to the point, fights with the mind. Fights over fear, conscience, responsibility, love, respect, and many more facits of the mind. It's a personal battle between good and evil.... and I fight it everyday.

If you have ever lived in a box, then you might know what i'm about to say. Sometimes fear, can control you like nothing you ever thought could. Fear... perhaps the most powerful of emotions, and almost the most unbeatable. For me... i've been living in a box, surrounded by fear, fighting against it everyday, to try to break it's hold on me. It's hold is so tight ,it's hard to get any breathing room. Everytime you gain an inch... there is something new there. Something new to fight.

However powerful an emotion or hold it has upon me, it can't break my will. The one thing that can stand up against it, Will. The will to do what fear doesn't want you do do. To push the fear over the edge and stand up in triumph. The will to continue with my life, to step from the box, and say... I fought the good fight. I stood up against you, and here I am. I have won, and you can't stop me. However... fear always finds ways to pop back up... and to that end...

I will continue to fight the good fight, where ever fear is... I will stand up against it. This time I will not retreat in the box... I will stand. I have way to much going for me to quit now. Fighting the good fight...

Countdown...

12:57 AM...

I never thought time could run so slow! It's a simple 60 seconds, 60 minutes per hour... 24 hours a day, 7 days a week... Im on countdown to Friday, and untill then... this clock will not speed up. When you think about the clock, we are really lucky in some ways. If it wasn't for the sun and stars spinning around and a bodys natural, biological clock, people thousands of years ago would never have known what time it was. Thankfully the sun dial and later the primative clocks came into being to help them tell time a little better.... lucky them... i'm sure it was ticking a little faster...

1:05 AM...

The last time I checked... it was 1:05 AM... meaning it took me a good 7 minutes to type, reword and correct any stupid spelling mistakes in the above paragraph. But if you didn't have a clock or me listing the times for you, how long do you think that would take you to write? Seriously? Your thinking... it took you 7 minutes to type that? Wow... Well seriously... I wish I had your preception of time... because.. it would be Friday by now... Or at least a hell of a lot closer to being Friday than it was 7 minutes ago.

Clearly one's preception of time can change depending on the situation, but right now it's so slow. Could it be i'm excited about Friday? Could it be the fact that I know it's really Wednesday... and I still have to get through 2 days of class and work before it's Friday? Is that why time is passing so slow? Perhaps sleep will speed things along. However... sleep will return only few rewards... than staying up. However... sleep skips a few hours for you... almost like being on fast forward in a DVD or VHS tape. I envy all of those who came hundreds of years before who used a sun dial or the sky to tell the time, time clearly passed much quickly for them.... but then again... they didn't live as long... Which isn't a good thing. I would like to live untill it's Friday at least.

1:12 AM..

No seriously. You think about the final count down for those astronauts in the space shuttle. What goes through there mind in those short 10 seconds? It's got to last an eternity for them. 10... The shuttles shaking like mad... is it supposed to do that? 9... Is my helmet that small or is my head really this big? 8... I wonder if I turned off the lights.. 7... Did the count down just say 7?? WTF! Hurry up! 6... I wonder what space is really like? 5... Do Vulcans really have pointed ears? 4... Man that girl in my history 101 class from college was hot 3... 3!!! What? Oo crap... I'm strapped in to a giant rocket ship.. with a one way ticket to outer space! 2... Here we go boys! 1.. Blast Off!!! 0...


I can only hope my countdown to friday isn't as slow... GL Friday! Here I come! Countdown...

"Second star to the right..."

Ancient explorers hundreds of years ago navigated there sailing ships with the sun and the stars, with no real idea of what they were. We can pull out our laptop or cell phone and find out how far away a subway is or order pizza for. These ancient explorers took it upon themselves to explore things around them that were so foreign that they had no idea what it was for thousands of years, untill real science could explain it to them.

Imagine the first real sailing ships, that tried to travel across the oceans, and see what was out there. For all they knew, the Earth was flat. A few more miles and they might just fall off in to nothingness. Shesh... as if dealing with rats and crappy potatoes wasn't bad enough! Hundreds of years later, when astronauts from the United States stepped foot upon the moon, and proclaimed, were here! They paid tribute in a way no one could dream to those explorers that came before them, just by being out there, just by stepping foot on a place no man had gone before, to quote a well used quote. They were exploring the unknown of space!

Hundreds of years from now, I can only hope we will still be exploring the unknown of earth, the moon, and hopefully beyond. The future is filled with exploring and filled with so many wonderful things. It would be a shame to not learn them and experience everything life and this universe has to offer. The universe is so expansive, in the end the Human race may never live to explore it all. Someday perhaps... but now... in our small corner of the cosmos, we have but only one thing to explore and that's ourselves.

Our character. How we conduct ourselves around others, how we act, how we react to others, how we feel, how we live our lives, how we help others, how we affect others, how we love, how we care, how we explore... In the future, mankind will look back upon this and wonder, how we ever got anything done. In the early 1900's a group of men took it upon themselves to stand up for freedom and fight for the United States in World War I. 30 years later, another war, 500% as bad, started and another generation stood up and fought for what was right. It was called the "greatest generation" by some, IMO those were men and women of character. If we really want to explore ourselves, we have to look in to the past. That is where the future is. You wanna see what will happen tomorrow? Look at yesterday. That's exploring. Those are men and women I would like to be.

However exploring doesn't just end at looking at ourselves by what the past has taught us, or what the future might bring. It's about us. It's about you and me. I've taken it upon myself to explore something recently that is as new to me as the words French and Victory being used in the same sentence. I'm exploring something, new, and it's exciting. I feel so much like those astronauts that landed on the moon, or the ancient explorers sailing in to the unknown. I can only hope that what I find is wonderful, and everything turns out okay. I feel so alive and never before have I been so nervous about something, or had one thing on my mind like this. I feel... well tired... but pfft it's 3:30 in the morning.. I'm exploring the depth of night. And this myfriends is where I put this to an and... I'm gonna look back upon today.. tomorrow and learn about the future.


"Second star to the right and straight on till morning..."